The Kit.

“Could you not order it online?” read the text. Rene felt an ache.
“Oh, sure. Why didn’t I consider that option? Saving me a lot of embarrassment,, hahaha”, she replied, although her face barely passed any hint of solace or merriment or whatever it was supposed to be. Why, anyway, would he buy the kit for her? Why would he be responsible? Their relationship was consensual and that consent had always included the knowledge of the consequent possibilities. But then, it’s his part that she might be carrying. And that he should be responsible is the norm. But…but… she accepted his part. He didn’t impose. But then…

“Hey, check out this new cat video.” It was Asad’s text. It made Rene forget her dilemma for a while and a dimple brightened her grim face. She picked up the phone, plumped down her bean bag and busied herself with thinking what to say in response. Rene had come to admire Asad since a long time now. He was a lad of myriad qualities or at least, so it seemed. The ones which Rene was particularly smitten by were his voice when he recited his own poems and the intensity in the way he laid his eyes on people, on her. It was as if he desired her. “That’s how he looks at everyone”, her girl friends ignored her gut feeling. She too blew it away. After all, like everyone else Asad too knew about her engagement with Siddharth. Why would he waste any feeling on an unavailable deal?

Rene drowns herself in contemplation. She thinks about the night of their farewell party. Since that was the last night, everyone had decided to confess, to reciprocate, to not be alone; even if for just that one night. Rene couldn’t. She is engaged. She is in a supposedly serious relationship that would, happily for everyone, lead to a ‘holy matrimony’. She is the lucky one who has something precious, something that makes her sacrosanct, something that automatically nullifies her potentiality to seem attractive to someone in the class or the possibility of her just liking someone enough to steal a kiss. She was placed somewhere beyond the childish game of wooing and flirting. She could only fake a grin when her friends whispered of their plans of hooking up and tease them. The moment they turned back, the grin disappeared so brutally that her face looked as if it has never known how to conventionally express any sort of positive feeling. Siddharth couldn’t make it to the city that night and since everyone was spending the night with their romantic interests, she didn’t really have any night out plan. She decided it was best to go back to hostel and try to be solitary rather than lonely. Just then she felt someone brush against her back. “Hey, bye. See you in the exam.” The words carried such a fragrance; she devoured it and it seduced a violent shiver down her very soul. He kept walking with his back towards her, looked back briefly with that very much exploited intensity, rendering her mouth flooded in lust and her mind floating somewhere between ecstasy and disbelief. There were barely any people in the premise, she was aware, as was he. And yet…

Later that night two of her closest friends, a couple, convinced her to spend the night with them. They got tipsy and retired to a hotel room. She slept on the couch to let the couple be by themselves as much as it was possible in her presence. They didn’t, although, let her presence affect their night. The steam in their conscious breathlessness and muffled moans dampened the air. Rene felt drenched. All she could think of was Asad. That evanescence of a conveniently interpreted moment started to soothe the pang of her companionless night. It made love to her, kissed and pecked exactly on the places that she would like best. It was the least she could indulge in. She grew passionate and warm and desperate to share her outburst of lusty zeal. She took her phone and messaged Siddharth, “Only if you could be with me right now…”

The kit ruled out a pregnancy but the dilemma it had caused didn’t leave her. What if it reflected positive and Siddharth had opted out of sharing the responsibilities? “Why would he be obliged to take responsibility of the results of the decision that I took for my body?” she got back at the dilemma. “It’s my body. Not his!” she argued. She felt quite liberated, in many ways; may be the reality of the test not being positive made it easier. She didn’t leave it at this and melted deeper into introspection. In many ways, she felt quite liberated. “What if I look at it the other way around?” her conscious muttered to her body, “If no-one’s responsible for you, no-one owns you. You’re on your own, you’re your own.” Rene started caressing her breasts to make love to herself and closed her eyes to think of Siddharth’s tired face panting over hers. She was used to doing this. But all she could think of was Asad. She was used to many ways hitherto but since just a while back she started feeling liberated in many ways. Her phone blinked. It was a cat video. She didn’t think much before replying, “Only if you could be with me right now…”